The Sauk Centre Herald (Sauk Centre, Minnesota), 1868-01-30

              YOLUME I.
SAUK CENTRE, MINNESOTA, THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 1868.
NUMBER 34.
-   PUBLISHED   EVERT   THURSDAY   MORNING,
A.t,   Sanlc Centre,   Minn.,
BY J. H. A S. SIMONTON.
US" Office corner Third and Seventh streets,
one block west 6f the Sauk Centre House.
Subscription:
TWO DOLLARS A YEAR  IN ADVANCE.
Rates of Advertising!
|lw
2w|3w   |3m I 6m |  ly
1 Square
| 100
1 25 |   1 50 1   3 50 |   6 00 | 10 OU
2
| 150
2 001   2 50 1   4 00|   8 00 115.00
3
|200
2 751   350|   5 50 11000 | 18 00
A eolutnn
1 300
4 00)   5 00 |   7 00 |12 00 |-20 00
A    "  .
1 5 00
8 50 |   8 00 1 10 00 | 20 00 | 40 00
i      "
1800
10 00 |12 00 |20 00 |40 00 |75 00
Legal advertisements 75 cents per square for
the first insertion, and 37}£ cents per square
for each subsequent insertion.
Special place advertUfeihents inserted at
rates agreed upon.
Yearly advertisers to pay quarterly.
Strangers must pay In advance, or give satisfactory reference.
JOB PRINTING-
of all kinds executed on short notice In the
best styl^iyi.
PROFESSIONAL  CARDS.
TX. H. MIlJCjaR,
Attorney   and    Counselor   at Law, Notary
Public and Conveyancer,
Special attention given to proceedings In
Bankruptcy in the Unite"! States Courts.
Saufc Centre,        -        -        Minnesota.
Office over the Post Office.
S-USINESS CARDS.
SAUK CENTRE HOUSE,
(General Stage Office,)
SAUK CENTRE,       - ' ' -      MINN
E. P. BARNUM, Proprietor,
Has been thoroughly refitted and furnished
throughout, under Its new management.
The comfort of guests will at all times be
made the special care of the proprietor, and
no expense or pains will be "Spared to give
entire satisfaction to boarders and travelers.
Excellent Stabling attached to the premises. E. P. BARNUM.
§?0tftWJ.
Edward O. Hamlin
—HAS KBSTTMED—
The Practice of Lau%
IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.
Special attention given   to proceedings ln
Bankruptcy in united States Courts.
Office in Alden's briek building, up stairs
. ,,ectl0-6ni
A MERICAN HOUSE,
Corner 2dandoth Sts., SaukSerftri, Min.
DAVID   FRANKHAUSE, Proprietor.
The proprietor, having Just completed this
large and/commodious building, is now prepared; to accommodate the traveling public.
«5- A good barn connected with the building. jyl8-3m
£3 AUK CENTRE
Liyery, Sale and Feed
STA-ELE.
Office on Third street, one door west of the
Printing Office.
Having our Stable completed  and well
stocked. We are now prepared .to furnish
those who wish, with good
Horses atid Carriages or Sleighs at' aU times
on reasonable terms, so that
A-ll can   Talte  a Ride.
H. UUTY A E. L. WRIGHT,
Proprietors.
From GOdey's Magazine.
. «JfOTHIKG TO DO."
BY. HAYS C. F. ENCH, M. D.
On every oorner he waiting stands,
With listless gaze and idle hands,
Watching for me and waiting for you—
Beware [Tseware of '-Nothing to Do."
Omnipresent in life's highway,
At Msing sun or close of day;
Robbing and wasting the long hours through
Is this cosmopolite ^Nothing.to Do."
Half the ills and the pangs of life-
Half of its failures and half Its strife—
And the greater half of Its evils, too,
We trace to the door of "Nothing ti Do."
Childhood, and youth, and enile years,
Have known the pangs and bitter tears,
And hours of want—ah, not a few—
That follow the footsteps of "Nothing to Do."
"Where are you from-, Mr. Wade?"
•' From Ohio."
" About  how    old   might   you   bo
friend ?"
" Fifty-two in January."
" Fifty-two ?   You   look—you   look
»W»
AFTER.
Oct. 1,1867.
R.
B. R. PALMER,
PHYSICIAN dc SURGEON.
«9- Residence near the Mill, Sauk Centre, -«».
H. L. GORDON. I*. W. COLLINS.
Gordo     &"  Collins,
Attorneys   at   Law,
'   St. Cloud, Stearns County, Minnesota
ifB- Particular attention given to business
in adjoining counties.
P.
FERG
USON:
DEALER IN
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bang
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Mfr^smmk
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"AND4
~r~\
ILLIAM J. PARSONS,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
Oer'mame street, over Burbank Bros.,
' ; St. Cloud, Minnesota.
BUSINESS  CARDS.
II.
-TN-ER,
JEWELRY,
SAUK CENTRE, MINN.
Watches, Clocks and Jewelry carefully repaired and warranted.
K3- All work from a distance promptly attended to and safely returned;
After the shower, the tranquil-sun;
After thesnow, the vernal leaves;
Silver stars when the'day Is done;
After the harvest, golden sheaves.
After the clouds, the violet sky:
After the tempest the lull of waves j
Quiet woods when the wind goes by;
After the battle, peaceful graves.
After the knell, the wedding bells;
After the bud, .the radient rose:
Joyful greetings from sad farewells;
After our weeping, sweet repose.
After the burden the blissful mood;
After the flight, the downy nest;
After the furrow, the waking seed;
After the shadowy river—Rest.
The Fairest and B«»t tbe Jiarest.
BY J. G. HOLLAITD.
Thus it is all over the earth I
That which we call the fairest,
Andprize for its surpassing worth.
Is always rarest.
Iron is heaped in mountain, piles,
And gluts the laggard forges j    '
But gold-flakes gleam in dim defiles
i And lonely gorges.
The snowy armies clog the twine
_ That sweeps tbe lazy river,
But pearls come singly from the brine,,
With the pale diver.
God gives no value unto men
Unmatched by meed of labor;
And Cost and Worth has ever been
The closest neighbor.
piimfii
THE! FACTS IN THE  CASK OF THK
SENATE DOOBKBEPKR.
Ins   raitce -A-g-oi&t,
Sauk Centre, - - Minnesota.
Represents the soundest and most reliable
Fire Life and Accident Insurance Companies of the Eastern and  Western
States.   Office over the Post Office.
OILLIARD SALOON,
A. DE GROAT, Proprietor.
Third street, Sauk Centre, Minnesota.
Has first class Phelan A Collender Billiard
tjStoice Wines,  Liquors, Ale, Porter a^id
Cigars.
%TST    J. WHITEFIELD,
House Sc Sign. Painter,
raining, Glazing, Paper Hanging, &c, done
with neatness and on reasonable terms.
Work warranted equal, in quality;fo that
*. treed upon or no charges made. «B~ Paint
* hop next door to Thomas & Cos.
Sauk Centre, Minn., June 5,1867.
Photograph Gallery,
Sixth street,  opposite..the American House,
SAUK CENTRE,  MINN.
The undersigned would respectfully announce to the public that he is now prepared
to accommodate ail who may desire anything,
in the line of Photography at reduced prices,
dozen $4 50
2 50
3 00
Carte de Visites, per
44 -"; "     A     "
size Gems, per dozen
1-lli
8
size Fhotographs in Oval Guilt Frames 5
Frames and cases of all descriptions constantly on hand and for sale. '
Specimens of our work may  be  seen by
calling at the Gallery,
A. J. ELLIS, Proprietor.
•SAIKT PA.TJI-.
..Fire& Marine
i-S»i
IR,
ST. PAUL, MINN.
Assets over
&K
m
J
OHN CHRISTGAU,
Boot & Slioe Maker,
Main Street, Sauk Centre, Minn.,
A complete stock of Boots and Shoes kept
constantly on hand,."-and made to order on
short notice.   Good fits warranted.
Repairing  promptly  done,  at reasonable
p rices.   £11 kinds of Shoemaker's Tools for
ale. i
c
ITY RESTAURANT..-'
Insures Buildings, Merchandise mid other
Property, against Loss or Damage by FIRE,
at Rates-as:iow as other - first class Stock
ComptBiies^   ^b^w-
Paiticular: attention given to Insurance of
Farm Property,   Isolated Dwellings
and tneir Furniture,
FOR ONE, THREE OR FIVE YEAR .
Also Inland Navigqtipp.J&sks on Cargoes or
Freight.
BOARD OF DIRECTORS,
J. C. Burbank,
John L. Merriam,
SfevWi Eastman, ..
fdtin.sJPrtnce,
Horace Thompson,
Wm^Tjee,
John Nichols,
Theo. Borup,
Peter Berkey,
W. F. Davidson,-
W. P. Murray, I
GeoJU Earwejl,
E. F: Drake.
JOSEPH GOYETTE, Proprietor,
Washington Avenue, I St. Cloud, Minnesota.
A ladies' and gentlemen's Ice Cream Saloon has been fitted up in first class style on
the second floor* Ice cold Lemonade,, land
Soda Water flavored with all kinds pf syrups.
Fresh and 'Canned Fruits, Confectionery,
and Nuts of all kinds. „„.,*,.,.
Hot Meals, Lunoh, Coffee, Tea and Pastry
nrnished to order.
J. C. BURBANK, Pres't.
JOHN NICOLS, Vice Pres't.
S. S.-EAT^lH, Sec'-y.
W. A. WELLS, G»A'l Agent.
N. H. MINER, Local Ag't.
SAUK CENTRE,: MpN.
Gt. E-.'XAJElVIGi-,
Merchant   Tailor.
and Deal»r in • _,
Gents' Furnishing Goods,
(Next  door to the"Sauk Valley Drug St6re,
SAUK CENTRE, MINN.
Keeps on hand a choice stock of
Cloths, Ctjssimeres, Tailor's Trimmings.
Fashionable, and Business Suits, made to
order &nd in the latest styles.
Cutting done to order. dcl2m6
E
DWARD.DREBLOW,
Cabinet Maker,
Main street, Sauk Centre, Minnesota.
Keeps constantly on hand a complete stock
of Furnlt.i}?e, Cofiins, &c.   ^»
All orders will reoeive prompt attention.
Maine Street, Sauk Centre.
MRS. SEAMAf &
MRS. VANSAUN
Would respectfully announce to the Ladies
of Sauk Centre and vicinity that they have
a complete assortment of
MILLINERY  GOODS,
and  are   prepared",   to    accommodate    al
those -wismng anjpiing in that line.
Also a good assortment of
E9BLOAKINCSifc
Cloaks, Dr6ss   and   CloaW Trimming,
Furs,  Fur Hoods,  Zephyr Hoods,
Fur Caps, Gloves. Nets, Combs,
Handkerchiefs,
And all articles usually kept in an establishment of this kind.
DRESS   AND    CLOAK   MAKING
Done to order.
Sauk Oentre, Deo. 19,1857.
Mark Twain, in his "special oorres
pondence to the N. Y Citizen, gets off
the following capital hit at the attempt
ed impeachment of President Johnson.
Opinions differed, as to the propriety of
the impeachment move, stmt the sympathy with Mark, in his trials, must be
deep and universal:
Washington, D. C. Dec. 15. 1867.
Sinee this case has excited so much
attention in diplomatic circles, and has
provoked  so  muoh   comment   in the
■ newspapers, both of this country and
Europe, I  will make  a  plain,  simple
statement of the facts  in  the  matter,
and-leave the public to judge between
myself and the Administration.    When
I  resigned  the  office  of Page  of the
House of Representatives, the best men
of the nation-were alarmed for the welfare of tfje Republic.    That  this alarnr
was well founded, I oannot undertake
to say.    It would  be  indelioate^in me
to do more than call passing  attention
to the fact that, while I was connected
witfe-the.'-Goyernment in—the capacity
already named, the affairs of tbe  Government prospered, and no cloud darkened the political horizon.    I  had  no
sooner resigned my office than  the negotiations with England for the  settlement of the Alabama  claims "6ape  to
an abrupt and unsatisfactory terj-nina-
tioiw This may have h^en the result
of   my resignation; it   may.nof have
beep,   I shall express no opinion in
the premises. ►
However, as before stated, th§; best*
men of the nation were alarmed. They
Jvisited me in my self imposed *;>xil%:
land begged me to come to the fescue;
and take again the helm of the ship of
State. They 'ufcged that the foreign
complications likely to grow out of the
new order Qf things rendered my reentry into the Cabinet imperatively
necessary j Siat to"- me the country'
tijri4**Tor sucoor in this season of per-
jj!*j that, if I would live in the hearts of
She people, I must not desert them at
a tiipe like this. Thus .jmportu^d, I
consigned to oblivion my grei'fpu*
wrongs, my mtterness oi spiro^nd^re-1
"3c$n>d Mr. Johnson's administration
as Doorkeeper of-ihe Senate.
I sufely thought that by this time
persecution had tired of hunting its
victim. Was I right ? The facts will
show. On the first morning of my occupation of nay. new post, I locked all
the entrances to the Senate Chamber
but one, and took my station there.
Presently a gentleman approached,
knd^iSd to paBs in.f~\ stopped him,
and said :
" Well, sir, what do you want ?"
" t want tctgoJiL of course."-;
"You want  to  go  in.what is   all
tight, no doubt, but we will consider
on it a moment, if you  have  the  time
to spare.   Who are you ?
" You are insolent, sir 1 I am the
President of the Senate."
'•President of the Senate? Ah !—
iWfeat'inight your name be ?"
" X w^U-just see, out of ouriosity, how
far'you will venture to carry this thing.
My name is Wade—Benjamin F..
Wade."
"'Wade?—Wade? I don't."jemember hearing of you before. Is that your
regular name,  or is it a nom de plume !'^
"It is my regular name, as you
it, of course,"
rather- elder than that, Wade. I should
say—well, I should say you look as
much as a hundred arid thirty, or a
hundred and forty, or along there. But
age isn't anything—its blood that tells.
Give me blood, above everything. That
is my sentiment. But about this business of President of the Senate. Have
you got your little credentials along'
with you ?" *
He had them. Considering that he
was the ring-master of" the circus, I
let hi'ij&jiin free. But I had trouble*
with the others. Some of them had
no credentials, and had to stay out.
I taxed the balance fifty cents admission, and as soon as they got a quorum,
they passed a resolution of- instruction
to the sergeant-at-arms, and I was arrested and compelled to disgorge. Thia
high-handed usurpation of power came
near making another split between
myself and the Government, but I
submitted, j£nd resolved to bide my
time.
During the afternoon one of the*Senators addressed the Chair, and said he
wished to offer a resolution recognizing
his Majesty King Theodoras as belligerent. -
I said : " Your Highness, I rise to a
point of order. This old gentleman
that has just taken his seat—"
Silence I Th« Doorkeeper will resume his* station by the door."
This from the man, and the only man
that I had passed in free 1 My heart
was too full.for utterance. From that
time forward, for three days, I could
not get the floor. I was snubbed every time I attempted to speak; whenever a viva-voce vote was taken, my voice
did not effect the result; when there
was a division, I was not counted, either when I stood up or sat down ; when
there was a call of the house, my name
was studiously omitted by the secretary
and his minions. I frequently voted
on both sides of the same question,
purposely to oatch the secretary, and
I succeeded. During all this time the
galleries were filled with people from
all parts of the country, who were anxious to hear me speak. No matter—
their feelings were not respected—the
vonomouf persecution went on.
On tho) fourth day, at one o,clook,
the ring-master announced the special
j order of tho day—the Senate bill for
the recognizee of General freribaldi as
a Roman General,. an Italian Deputy
and an American citizen. Here was
myoportunity. I had been waiting,
jus4 waiting to eatch. the house on a
special order.    I arose and said : \>
" Youirlmperial Highness, I hold in
my han&5*t Act entitled an Act sup-
phmgn|ajj| to an Act entitled an Act
amerfeS^Ky of an Act to Confer Universal: Sulirage -upon Women. Woman ! .:your Royal Highness—Oh, woman I in our hours of ease, uncertain,
coy, and hard to please—"
1' Silen ce!" It is not worth' whileto
repeat more of the tirade uttered by
the individual whom the fortuitous accident of-a majority  vote  elevated to
In that I had voted, during a regular
session of the United States Senate, by
word of mouth, and upon a division,
and also upon the yeas and nays, in direct violation of a clause of the Constitution of the United States, which expressly forbids the Doorkeeper of the
Senate ta vote upon any question whatever whioh that body may have under
consideration^- -
In that I had frequently risen to a-
point of order, questions of privilege,
etc., and had, at.divers and sundry
times, interrupted the Senate with attempts to deliver a speech Bpon a sub-.
jject which was not before the house at
the time, and always commencing with
the same tiresome formula of " Woman, 1 Oh, woman I " etc., all of which.
was in direct violation of that clause in
the Constitution of the United States
which expressly decrees that the Doorkeeper of.the Senate shall at no time
take part in the deliberations, ot that
body.-
In that I had attempted to introduce
Female Suffrage at a time when the
Hero of Italy was the special order of
the day—which was in direct violation
"of that article of the Constitution of
the United States which expressly stipulates that special orders of the day
shall at all -times take precedence of
other matters.
In that, after disrupting and disorganizing the Senate, time and again, by
repititions of the beforementioned
speech, commencing "Woman I Oh!
woman !" I incited the said Senate to
rebellion and insurrection by still another attempt to inflict that speech
upon themj and thus materially retarded the reconstruction of the aforesaid
Senate at the period of its most promising progress—all of which, when taken in connection with the aforementioned charge of fifty cents admission
to the Senate, is in flagrant violation
of that article of the Constitution of the
United States, which decrees that for
the Doorkeeper of the Senate to levy
war or collect taxes on his individual
responsibility is high treason and punishable with death.
The infamy of the Senate is com
plete. Their work is done, and T stand
before the country today a Doorkeeper
on Sufferance ! But, firm as a rock I
stand at my post, and await the verdict:
Mark Twain,
Doorkeeper adinterim.
AFFECTING SUICIDE OF   A   "WIFE.
JXsr Farewell Letters,
the positioB of President of the Senate.
call
I was subjugated.    That is sufficient,
I waited one hour. A Senator from
some obscure Indian reservation was
tiring everybody to death with a stupid
harangue ahout Garaboldi and several
other incendiary Frenchmen, and it
was plain that the crowd in the galler-
ies wan. growing impatient. I arose
and so id :
" Your Royal Highness, woman 1 Oh,
womanfe-in our hours of ease^, uncertain.—"
It was as far as I could get.    A storm
of malignant outories assailed me, and
Mr »-tiihe, itneemed that I was, going
to be Bnhjected to personal violence.
The  Serge'aiit-at-arms was ordered; ita.
put me inaa^seat and keep me there.
In this humiliating position I remained
for full two hours. .1  leave  my couri-
trymen to imagine  what  my feelings
were.    A spectacle was here presented
to the nation suoh as has no parallel in.
htatoryt^the spectacle of the. Senate
degrading and trampling upon one of
its own members.    I   could not   long
bear  tMsjo'Hvery .fibre  of my  being,
every emotion of my   nature, revolted
at it".    In the midst; of some  solemn,
sentimental bosh   by the   Chair, concerning one of tjieinew Senators from
•Walrussia, who had-lost his way in. the
wilds of fads native  land, and   had had
•nothing to eat far eighteen days bufcan*
iceberg, I emerged from the impressive
^sileiice, and thundered forth » u
" Woman 1 Oh, woman I in—
The door was in the way, and that is
how it got broken  dowr&    The  Senatorial mob  did it.   I  fell'fii  the hall,
and, in a single instant, the  aggregate
wisdom of the nation was piled above
me.    Let us drop the curtain upon the
disgraceful scene.
I approach the last chapter in the
sad record of my official career. Its
events transpired the next day. They
culminated in a report of the Judiciary
Committee—or, . rather, two reports.
Five members of it—a majority—bro't
in a<wil<l document, which they styled
^Articles of Impeachment Against the
Doorkeeper of the United States Senate-" The minority, of four members,
reported against impeaohment. The
curious daeriBaent first mentioned set
forth that I had rendered my impeach-
menta just and righteous measure for
^e*tollowing specific reasons, viz.:
In that I had transcended the powers vested in me by the Constitution of
the United States by charging divers
and sundry Senators fifty cents admission to their own department of the
Capitol I
From the Kew York Herald. Jan. 17 1868.
Coroner Schirmer yesterday held  an
inquest at the Wetmore   House,   Nos.
478 and 480   Broadway,   over   the   remains of Mrs. Millie Priest  a   German
woman,   who   committed   suicide   by
swallowing a quantity of opium.    During the last ten days deceased, who had
been abandoned by her husband,   had
acted as cashier in   the   restaurant Ofj
tho hotel.   On Monday last there was
a .discrepancy in the cash account when
she seemed   unable   to   explain.    She
left and went up  town,   but   returned
the same   night   and   retired   to   her
room.    She   subsequently  complained
of being ill, and, sending for Mr.  Wet-
more   on   Wednesday,   she confessed
that she had taken opium, and probably would not recover.    Dr. Hunter was
sent for, Wt when he arrived  she   was
insensible.   The doctor endeavored-^in
vain to restore her to conciousness, and
death ensued at five o'clock p. m.   Before swallowing the poison Mrs.   Priest,
wrote three letters—one   to  her   husband, who is said.to have cruelly abandoned her, and is now in New Orleans,
another to his brother in Boston,  and
a third to her female friend, Miss   Annie Apwin^n*Ifoa42 Jane street.   Below will.be found copies of the   letters
referred to:
LITTES Of DECEASED TO HEK HUSBAND.
Addressed to " Josiah S.   Priest,   New
Orleans, Louisiana."
December, 31, 1867.
Dear, Dear Sir : When you get this
I am no more. All I asked for in this
world was your love. It was denied
me. You cast me from you as you
would a dog. I cannot live without
you. tyLy heart is broken. I have left
-yonrifjijnily pictures and your slippers
with Annie Apwin. If you wish you
can write to ha ■*, and she will give you
further particulars. May you be happy, and remember your ever-loving but
heart-broken MILLIE.   -
Another letter, addressed to " Albert
W. Priest, Esq.,   345   Tremont   street,
Boston, Massachusetts," reads
lows:
December 31, 1867.
Dear Brother : For as such I have
loved you—I have been neglected by
Si this long time ; he has not even written to me. I love him as dearly as
ever,'lM** my cup of sorrow-is full; 3
am sick in mind and body. I can not
live this way any longer, it would bring
me to tbe mad-house. When you get
13iis I am no more : yo«a can get your
family pictures by applying to Miss
Apwin, 42 Jane Street. May God bless
you!
And I remain your loving but heartbroken sister, MILLIE.
The following letter was addressed
to Mi?s Annie Apwin, No. 42 Jane
street, city:
. December 31, 1867.
Dear Annie, My Solo Friend : You
will be surprised to get this note front*,
me, but forgive me for not telling you
when I saw you yesterday ; you little
supposed it to be the last time that you
would look upon me when you said I
looked pale. I intended to tell you,
but my heart   failed   me.   I   am   dis
charged this morning, but, dear Annie,
it is not my fault; I have tried   to   do
the best I could.    Dear darling, please
do as I ask you : come te the   hotel   as
soon as you get this, and ask for   some
papers which I left - you will   find   in
them the family pictures   of  my   husband, and you must keep them till you
are requested from New  Orleans  and
Boston.   If you receive any news from
my husband, please send pictures, slippers, red goblet and those letters tied
together, and the   silver;   the   letters
are those he wrote to tde.   I wish him
to read them, and think of times when
I was happy; yes,   I   was   very   happy
once, but I have become a heart-broken
woman for a long time and the cup   is
full now.   I- have not settled with Mr.
Wetmore and I wish you to do   so ;   I
leave all I possess to you.    My troubles
are yours, and if it is in your power   to
have me buried I wish you would do so,
and not let me be buried by   the   corporation.    I inclose an envelope direct-
led to my father; you must write to him
and let him know ; write   to   my  husband also ■ do not   let   anybody   take
those two pictures of me   er   those of
my husband and child.   Dear-  Annie,
I have nothing more   to   say   to you:
when you get this I will be   no   more.
May God   bless   you   and   rescue you
from such a fate as mine.   Dear Annie,
never give my   ohild's   clothes   away.
Open my trunkKyou will   find things
you wish to  wear;   tell  my husband
that I forgive him and that I loved him
as much as ever;   I   am   trying   Mrs.
Scott's remedy, the tobacco under   the
arm.    I hope never to open   my   eyes
again in this world, and   remain   your
heart-broken friend,
MRS. PRIEST.
" Forgive me, dearest."
The jury returned a verdict of death
[by taking a dose of opium. Deceased
was twenty-six years of age.
"WIT AID   HUMOR.
Ah exchange was considerably amused the other evening at the little girls
playing among the sage brush in the
backyard. Two of them were "'making believe keep house " a few yards
distant from each other—neighbors, as
it were. - One of them says to a third
little girl: " There, now Nelly, you go
to Sarah's house, and stop a little while
and talk, and then come back and tell
me what she says about me ; and' then
I'll talk about her; then you go and
tell her all I say, and then we'll get
mad and won't speak to each other,
just like our mothers do, you know.
O, that'll be such fun!"
Josh Billings says: If you trade with
a Yankee, steal his jack-knife fust, for
ef he gits tew whittling, you are gone
in spite uv thunder.
Sidney smith observed that a railway
whistle seemed to him something like
the scream an attorney would give
when the devil first caught hold of
him.
A down east paper, in puffing a certain soap,, says it is the " best ever used
for cleaning a dirty man's face. We
have tried it, and therefore we ought
to know.""
A Portuguese mayor enumerated
among the marks by which the body of
a drowned man might be identified
when found, "a marked impediment
in his speech."
" You ought to acquire the faculty
of being at home in the best society,''
said a fashionable aunt to an honest
nephew. " I manage that easily
enough," responded the nephew, "by
staying at home with my wife and children." .
A young gentleman of Utica started
» few weeks since to " walk in the affections of a young lady !" He accomplished the feat in twenty consecutive
evenings. He remarked when he had
-finished th*4 "he fslt better than he
did when he started."
Ladies who wear corsets want •-■*© be
squeezed.
- Wanted, two young ladies that will
be treated as one of the family.
It is less shameful for a lady to redden h« own cheeks than to blacken a
sister's character.
A creditor said to a debtor, 'By paying you will oblige me; if you refuse /
shall oblige you.
A western paper thus notices a marriage:—* Spliced—On the 8th, at the
residence of the old cock, Sail Chowder
to Dobyn Darhit. May their mug of
happiness be filled to th*;tij, and
glim of their merriness never be
ed."
What's the  difference between   editorial and matrimonial experience ? In
the former the devil cries for   " copy
in the   latter   " copy"   cries   like the
devil. ■
When is silence likely to get wet?
When it reigns.
" Look out for the Ingine when the
whistle blows or rings," is at a railway
: crossing somewhere.
" We're in a pickle now," sand a man
in a crowd. '- A regular jam," said another. " Heaven preserve us I" mourned an old lady. -
A smart youngster, hearing his mother remark that she was fond of music,
exclaimed, " Then why dont you buy
me a.drum."
When was Noah in America ? when
he was on the Ark-and-saw.
A dangerous character—a map who
« takes life" cheerfully'.
fol-
the
dous-