The Sauk Centre Herald (Sauk Centre, Minnesota), 1868-02-20

              ■pW
VOLUME L
SAUK CENTRE, MINNESOTA, THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 1868.
NUMBER 37.
®fa f »ufe tomtit itaM.
PUBLISHED   EVERY   THURSDAY   MORNING,
A.t,   Sauk Centre,   Minn.,
BY J. H. & 8. SIMONTON.
JW Office corner Third and SeVenth streets,
on* block west of the Sauk Centre House.
Subscription >
'S'WO DOLLARS A YEAR  IN ADVANCE.
Rates of Advertising:
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Legal advertisements 75 Cents per square for'
the first insertion, and 87>^ cents per square
tor each-subsequent insertion.
Special place advertisements inserted at
rates agreed upon. t&SL
Yearly advertisers to pay quarterly.
13trangefs"inust pay "in advance, or give satisfactory reference.
JOB PRINTING
of all kinds executed on short notice in the
best style. /'
Sauk Centre Cards.
IS. H. MIISTCEO*,
Attorney    and    Courisetor   at Law, Notary
Public and Conveyancer,
Special attention given to proceedings in
Bankruptcy in the United States Courts.
Sa^i Oentre,        -        -        Minnesota.
Office over the Post Office.
D
R. B. R. PALMER,
PHYSICIAN <& SURGEON,
And Examining Surgeon for Pensions,
r Residence neaT the Mill, Sauk Centre. ■%
D
St. Cloud Cards.
R. A. PELHAM,
Surgeon   X>etttissi-,
Permanently located in  St.   Cloud.    Office
Broker's Block. I
Dr, Pelham will visit Sauk Centre February
17th, and remain 18 days. Having had fourteen yeafs experience' hi the dental profession, he feels confident of giving satisfaction
to all requiring his services. AU work warranted and at moderate prices.
Edward O. Hamlin
—HAS RESUMED—
The  Practice of Law
IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.
Special attention given   to proceedings ln
Bankruptcy in United States Courts.
Officii in Alden's brick building, up stairs
Oct. 1,1867. octl0-6m
H. L. QORDOJf. Ij. W. COLLINS.
Gordon  Sc Collins,
Attorneys   at   Law,
St, Cloud, Stearns County, Minnesota
■*5f- Particular attention given to business
in adjoining counties.
ILLIAM J. PARSONS,
ATTORNET AT LAW,
Germaine street, over Burbank Bros.,
. St. Cloud, Minnesota.
&X    H. MINER,
Insurance A.gfent,
Bauk Centre, - - Minnesota..
Represents the soundest and most rejlabls
Eire, Life and Accident InSriratice Ootti-
panies of the Eastern and Western
States.   Office over the Post Office.
States.   Office over the
lLLIARD SALOON,
A. DE GROAT, Proprietor.
Third street, Sauk Centre, Minnesota.
Has first class Phelan A Collender Billiard
Tables. _.   , .
.Choice Wines,  Liquors,  Ale,  Porter  and
Wlgars.
J. WHITEFIELD,
HooiiQ Sc Sign Painter,
Graining, Glazing, Paper Hanging, &c, done
with neatness anU ohTeaSonaole terms.
Work warranted  equal in quality to that
a ;reed upon or no charges made.   «3" Paint
Siiop next door to Thomas A Co's.
Sauk Centre, Minn., June 5,1887.
J^r_A.ND~6iaP»t&Er' &'~R^UMiMTB
-A AGENCY.
IV. H.  Miner,
Lands sold" on commission. Farms oom-
posed of Prairie, Meadow and Timber Land
for sale.
Persons desiring to enter Land, with Cash,
Borip or Land Warrants, ,or to file Pre-
Em|rtio1t (Halms, can do so atmy office
and avoid the time and expense of
a trip to St. Cloud.
Office over  the  Post Office,  Sauk  Centre,
Minnesota. - .- ^   ^      *   ,
'TOHN CHRISTCATJ,
Boot &, Shoe Maker,
Main Street, Sauk Centre, Minn.,
A complete stock of Boots and Shoes kept
constantly on hand, and made to order on
short notice.   Good fits warranted.
Repairing  promptly  done,  at reasonable
prices.   All kinds of Shoemaker's Tools for
sale. 	
i*/jr     ANDERSON,
** JB'Oot &• Shoe Maker.
Third Street Sauk Centre, Min.
Boots A Shoes made to order on the shortest
notice, in any style desired.
All work warranted to fit.   Reparing  done
ou short notice. *
Satisfaction guaranteed in every Instance.
Sauk Centre,   Jan. 30 1868.
■- jan.30m6
/^■HAS H. ALSOP,
Civil Engineer, Architect if
Draftsman,
Office of the'Northem Pacific Rail Road,
Broker4s Block,
)m\x%.
ST. CLOUD
MINN.
janSO
BANK 0F_ST* CLOUD
GENERAL   BANKING  AND   EXCHANGE   BUSINESS   TRANSACTED.
Gold and Silver,
Land Warrants, College Scrip and Foreign
Exchange bought and sold. Particular Attention given to COLLECTIONS,, and Proceeds Promptly Remitted.
Office opgn from 9 to 12 A. M., and 1 to 5
P.M.
St. Germaine Street, St. Cloud, Minn.
J. G. SMITH, Cashier.
St. Cloud Jan. 30.1868.
J.   HILL,
(Late of Whitney's Gallery)
'St. Cloud, Minn.
Y
THE GAME OF LIFE.
This life is bilt & game of oards
Which mortals have to learn ;
Each shuffles, cuts and deals the pack,
And each a trump doth turn ;
Some bring a high card t~o the .pop,
And others bring a low.
Some hold a hand quite flush of trurdps,
While other none can show;
Some shuffle with a practiced hand,
And pack their cards with care, .
So they may know when they're dealt
Where all the leaders are;
Thus fools are made the dupes of rogues,
While rogues each other cheat,
And lie Is very wise Indeed
Who never meets defeat.
When playing, some throw out the ace,
The counting cards to save;
Some play the duce and some the ten,
But many play the knave;
Some JSlSjy for money some for fun,
And some for worldly fame,
And not until the game's played out
Can they count up their game.
When hearts are trump we play tor lo've,
And pleasure rules the hour—
No thought of sorrow checks our joy*.
In Beauty's rosy bower;
We sing, we dance, sweet verses make,
Our cards at random play,
And while our trumps remain on top,
Our game's a holiday.
When diamonds chance to crown the pack
' The players stake their gold,
The heavy sums are lost and won*
By gamblers young and old;       . '
r Intent on winning, each his game'. -
Doth watch with eagre eye,
Howhe may see his neighbor's card,
And beat him on the sly.
When clubs are trumps, look out for war
.   On ocean and on land; - '
. ForMoqdy horrors always come
When clubs are held in hand;
Then lives are staked Instead of gold,
1 The dogs of war are freed—
Across the broad Atlantic now.
See! Clubs have got the lead i
Last game of all is when the spade
Is turned by hand of Time;
He always deals the closing game
In every age and clime,
No matter how much each man wins,
Or how much each man saves,
The spade will finish up the game,
And dig the player's graves.
PteMttamj.
the WRONG CUSTOMER.
RUDOLPH   SHffiNEMANN,
WATCHMAKER,
St. Germaine Street,
ST. CLOUD,       -       -       - -  MINN.
A     GOOD assortment of Watches, Clocks,
J\_  Jewelry, Stiver and Plated ware always
on had.   Galvanizing done. Repairing neatly done and warranted for one year. ly
Alarge lot of Spectacles for sale.
c
ITY RESTAURANT.
JOSEPH GOYETTE, Proprietor,
Washington Avenue,  St. Cloud, Minnesota.
A ladies' and gentlemen's Ice Cream Saloon has been fttted up in first class style on
the second floor. Ice cold Lemonade, anil
Soda Water flavored with all kinds of syrups.
Fresh and Canned Fruits, Confectionery,
and Nuts'of all kinds.
- Hot Meals, Lunch, Coffee, Tea and Pastry
furnished to order.
P. F. FERGUSON:
SAUK CENTRE HOUSE,
(GeneralStage Office,)
SAUK CENTRE,       -       -      MINN
K. P. BARNUM, Pi-opj-letor,
Has been thoroughly refitted and furnished
throughout, ujuder its new management.
The cojfcfort of guests will at alt times be
-fiSBsIe"the special care of the proprietor, and
no expense or pains will be spared to give
entire satisfaction to boarders and travelers.
Excellent Stabling attached to the premises; ■* E. P. BARNUM. ■
AMERICAN HOUSE,
Corner 2d and 6th Streets,
SAUK CENTR^L^If*^''-     MINN.
This is a new, large and commodious building, fitted up in the best style, with all the
necessary conveniences for the comfort of
•guests. A large Barn, with warm and comfortable stabling is<!onnected with tjhe House.
Travelers wUfmnd at the American Hoftse
the best of accommodations for both man
and beast.
. DAVID FRANKHAUSE, Proprietor.
■^ DWARD DREBLOW,
Cabinet Maker,
Main street, Sauk Centre, Minnesota.
Keeps constantly on hand a complete stock
of FuriUture, Coffins, &c.
All orders will receive prompt attention.
OAUK CENTRE
LiyeryJ Sale and Feed
||BTABLE. ^
Office on Third street, one door Vest of the
Printing Office,
Having our Stable completed  and well
stocked, we are now prepared to furnish
those who wish, with good
Horses and Carriages or Sleighs at all times
. <tm reasonable terms, so that
A.11 can   Take a Ride.
H. DUTY A E. L. WRIGHT,
S*-! Proprietors.
Watchmaker
AND
Jeweler.
SAUK  CENTRE, MINN.
Watches,  Clocks and Jewelry carefully repaired and warranted.
*9- All work from a distance promptly attended to and safely returned.
S^lIIVT VAXnC
Fire& Marine
INSURANCE CO..
ST. PAUL, MINN.
Assets oyer       $530,000.
Insures Buildings, Merchandise and other
Property, against Loss or Damage by FIRE,
at Rates as low as other first class Stock
Companies.
Particular attention given to Insurance of
. Farm Property,   Isolated Dwellings
and their Furniture,
FOR ONE, THREE OR FIVE YEAR .
Also Inland-Navigation Risks on Cargoes or
Freight.
BOARD OF
J. C. Burbank,
John L. Merriajn,
W. W. Eastman,
John S. Prince,
Horace Thompson,
Wm. Lee,
John Nichols,
DIRECTORS,
Ttieo. Borup,
Peter Berkey,
W. F. Davidson,
W. P. Murray,
Geo. L. Farwell,
E. F. Drake.
J. C. BURBANK, Pres't.
JOHN NICOLS, Vice Pres't.
S. S. EATON, Sec'y. '
W. A. WELLS, Gen'l Agent.
N. H. MINER, Local Ag't,
SAUK CENTRE, MINN.
I    BT   LEON'   GRANGER.
From the New York Weekly.
In*the good old days, which antiquated gamblers recall with a sigh, when
card-playing, with all its concomitant
cheating, was the great source of amusement on all tho " floating palaces" of
the North and West, the steamer Swallow, the pride of the Mississippi, as her
commander termed her, was making
one of her upward trips from New Orleans to St. Louis. At an insignificant
landing on the way up, a tall, lank
long-legged, long-armed, long-haired,
Ian torn-jawed individual,." dressed in a
rustic suit, cams on board with an air
of ludicrous pomposity, followed by a
short, stout, rouna-favoredt sleek-looking negro, carrying an old-fashioned
trunk and a sky-blue umbrella.
" Fotch 'em along, Sambo, and don't
spill 'em many times," said the master,
with a ridiculous floury h of his long
arms, as with about three strides of his
long legs, he reached the steps leading
to the guards. " Up here, Sambo 1" he
added, with another consequential
flourish, "we goes it cabin I"
" Yes, marse, nary spilljn dis child !"
grinned the negro, showing two rows of
immense white teeth, and rolling his
large eyes from side to side with comical winks and leers at the amazed spectators, deck-hands, and passengers,
who simultaneously burst into a roar
of laughter,
. "^ke. principal cause of all this merriment never once seemed to suspect
that anybody was laughing" at him, but
went up the steps two at a time, entered the gentlemen's saloon, ard in the
same pompous tone, said to the first
person he met—a mild, quiet, venerable looking man, whowasdlowly pacing
to and fro with his hands behind his
back ;...
" Stranger, where is the dark of this
yer craft?"
The gentleman addressed glanced at
the speaker, at the grinning negro with
the trunk on his shoulder, just behind
him, smiled to himself, and pointed
with his finger to the clerk's office,.
' " Fotch 'em along, Sambo, and nary
a spill yet I" said the eccentric rustic,
and with two or three strides he reached the clerk's window.
" I say, old hoss, are you the dark of
this yer boat?" called out the stranger,
in a loud, familiar voice.
" Yes-sir-ee, hoss-fly !" returned the
clerk, making a great effort to appear
serious.
" Spect her biler won't bust, hey?"
inquiringly suggested greeney.
" I   hope   not,"   replied   the  clerk,
winking at some of the bystanders, all
of whom were tittering and laughing-
" Spect she won't snag, hey ?"
" I hope not."
" Reckon I'll risk ner then. Now
then I want a hull room all to myself;
don't keer nothin' bout cost, heaps of
tin ; name yer pile I"
" If you take a whole stateroom ; and
I believe there is one, and only one,
unoccupied, I shall have to charge you
double fare."
" That's 'em; I takes that. Let her
rip I"
The clerk named his price, and the
stranger brought out- an old, greasy
wallet, stuffed full of bank notos—some
of them of a pretty high figure—which
two or three professional gamblers,
who were mingled with the crowd, did
not f^il to eye with a marked degree of
satisfaction, readily accounted for by
the fact that sooner or later they hoped
to see the same transferred to their
own pockets,
"Where to?" asked the clerk, as the
rustic stranger handed him the wallet,
and told him to help'"himself.
" As fer's she goes-; take her clear
through,"
"What name?"  again inquired the
clerk, returning the' wallet,: minus the
double fare.
" "Pile!"
" Any other name, sir?"
"Joe, that's all; Joe Pike,of Arken-
saw.''
" Well, Mr. Joe Pike^of ArkensaW,"
smiled the olerk) •' there is the key,
with the number of your stateroom attached, and I hope you wiU have a
pleasant trip."
" JBi*t .there's the nigger) my boy ; L
see you've forgot him!" said Mr. Joe
Pike, of Arkensaw, looning round at
Sambo, who was standing baoK, quietly
waiting further orders, with the trans.
still on his shoulders, and the sKy-blue
umbrella under his arm. What'a his
damage?"
"Oh, never mind him!" said tbe
clei'K, " considering you've paid double
fair already ; I guess we will throw him
W'
" Gumbo, you black rascal, d'yer
hear that ? you're hevi in—you're no
account 1 haw! haw! haw!" roared Mr.
Jo Pike, of Arkensaw, ahd all the bystanders roared in concert. " Here,"
he continued, tossing the key to the
black, " take that ar brass and take my
trunk and umbrel, with nary a spill,
and watch 'em till I comes to yer!"
then turning to the clerk again, as the
negro withdrew, he added, " Old hoss,
.what's yer name?"
" Brown t" laughed the clerk.:
" Well, Brown," said" Arkensaw,
" you're a trump, and as I'm about to
liquor, I wants you to" liquor with me,
Brown."
" Beg your pardon, six," -said one of
the afore mentioned gamblers, laying
his hand familiarly on Pike's shoulder,
*' what are trumps ?"  .
" I reckon its a knave, or something
of that sort that's turned up now !" replied Pike, looking his interrogator
straight in the eye.
The gambler colored, the' crowd
laughed, with cries of " good 1 good I"
"Gentlemen," said Mr. Joe Pike,
with one of his magnificent flourishes,
" let's all liquor 1" He led the way to
the bar, and about half of those present, muong whom were the three gamblers, accepted his invitation, and
drank his health.
" Do you ever play ?" said another of
the gamblers, watching his chance, and
drawing him aside.
" Keerds ?" returned Pike; "yes—
euchre, whist, loo, seven-up, poker,
twenty-one, all-fours, or anything else
you choose." ,
" Why, I'm a hoss at 'em all, stranger—haw I haw 1 haw 1" roared the gentlemen from Arkensaw. "The last
time I played I lie ked every one that
| bet agin me—haw I haw I haw ! Play
keerds ? Spect I does—a few ! let's all
have another wet, and then see who
wants me to show 'em how 1"
After having another drink all around,
which the gambler, ih order to appear
generous and get the good will of the
company, insisted on paying for, the
crowd adjourned to one of the card tables in the main saloon, to enjoy the
sport of seeing the green Mr. Pike
fleeced of his money by the skillful
cheating of three notorious gamblers.
In one sense of the word, the spectators looked upon him as a lamb ih the
clutches of wolves; but not one of them
made a single attempt to warn him of
his danger, for beside the gamblers being men not to have their, plans interfered with with impunity, they thought
the boasting Mr. Pike deserved to have
a little sharp, humiliating experience,
and they felt a morbid curiosity to see
in what manner he would bear his defeat and loss. Such is human nature
the world over, when no particular
chord of sympathy or interest is touched.
Mr. Pike was not ready to begin
play immediately, however. He must
go to his stateroom first, fix himself up
a little, give his boy orders, and so
forth and so on, and it was at least a
good hour before the impatient gamblers saw him snugly seated between
them...
" What shall we play, and for what
stake, Mr. Pike ?" now poUtely inquired one of the trio.
" Spect we'd better make it whist, first
—that ar man opposite is my partner—
for a dollar a corner till I get the
keerds," replied Mr. Joe Pike, looking
around triumphantly, as if to say :
" You see I know what I am talking
about if you do think, me green ! "
This of course' was not the game the
gamblers wanted to play ; but they assented to the proposition, and wasted
an hour of their precious time over it—
Pftce find his partner winners three
times in succession.
.riiS'J^t1* have poxer now!" at length
said one of the losers.
" Not yet," replied Pixe, " that'll do
to wind up on—let's try euchre !"
Euchre was played till all were hear-
tHy,.sioK of it—Pixe and his partner being allowed to win every game.
" You play welL, gentlemen," said
one of the losers, for though the three
gamblers, including the partner of
Pii{«, were really colleagued, it wasin-
tended of course that their dupe should
suppose them to be merely fellow passengers, each having a separate interest. *' You play well, gentlemen—and
I want to try something else."
" Yes, all-fours, by thunder !" replied
Pise, " we'll give you a chance to get
your money bacK."
" No—poKer 1" said both of the opposition.       «ikv
" All-fours !" returned Arxensaw.
"Pshaw! let's-try them atPoKer!"
said PiKe's partner.   "I   thinK   either
of us can beat them at anything."
" All-fours, by thii'nder !" roared Mr,
Joe Piicej of Aruensaw.'
And all-fours it. was, for two weary
hours, before the green dupe would
consent to "have the game changed.
• Then counting over his winnings, and
finding himself twenty-five or thirty
dollars the gainer,- he suddenly concluded he would play no more till af-"
Iter supper, much to the vexation of the
gamblers, and the disappointment of
those who had waited so patiently to
see him fleeced.
Supper over, the table cleared away,
and the lamps lighted, the gamblers
produced their cards, and succeeded in
persuading their good friend, Mr. PiKe,,
to sit down to a game of poxer, one
dollar ante, For a couple of hours the
game went on with varying success—
sometimes one party' and sometimes
the other winning—*but all the bets being so small, and- the game being so
uninteresting, that several oi- those
whr> had watched all through the day,
to see Mr. Pixe victimized, got tired
and disgusted, and either repaired to
their berths for the night, or sought to
amuse them'selves in some other way.
A few still lingered around the table
in a listless manner; but these soon
had their yawns checxed, and eyes
opened, by hearing Joe Pixe, of Arxen-
saw, exclaim:
" I sees that yer fifty and goes five
hundred better 1" at the same time
quietly placing five hundred and fifty
dollars upon the pile on the table.
Two ofthe others now threw up their
hands; but the third man, after loosing at his cards, and evidently considering his chances for a few moments,
said, with cool deliberation, as he drew
a large well-stuffed pocket boox from
his bosom:
" I see your five hundred, my couh
try friend, and go you five thousand
better,"
A sensation among the spectators,
and all looked curiously and eagerly at
the man from Arkensaw.
" Oho 1 bluffs yer game, hey," said
he. _" Wall there's two can play at
that. r£**i
" Sambo I"
" Yes, marse I" replied the negro,
suddenly appearing from the room.
" Fotch me that bundle tied up in
the umbrel, and don't make nary
spill!"
The negro disappeared, and quickly
returned with an immense roll of bank
notes. The gamblers- opened their
eyes, and the spectators began to grow
excited. Other parties now came crowding up, and the gentlemen who had
heard the conversation, came out their
staterooms half dressed. Pike deliberately unrolled the notes handed him
by his servant, and displayed figures of
one hundred, five hundred, and even a
thousand dollars. Calmly counting
over the notes, he laid them down on
the table, and said with a grin :
" I sees that ther five thousand, and
goes ten thousand better, I does 1"
Slightly pale, but his "-lmall, black
eyes gleaming with a sort of malicious
triumph, the gambler nervously produced another large package of notes,
counted down ten thousand dollars
more, and exclaimed, as he laid down
his hand :
" I call you and win. Four £ings
and ace can't be beat!"
" Yes it &in—five aces does it!"
cried Mr. Joe Piie, of Ari-ensaw, throwing down that astonishing hand, and
the next moment covering the money
on the table with two brawny fists, in
one of which was a six-shooter, and in
the other a huge bowie-inife.
" Foal I foul f* cried all the gamblers,
starting up in wild excitement. " A
cheat 1 A swindle! There are only
four aces in the pac£."
." Seems to'have been six ih this yer
one!" said PU-e, coolly, ."and as you
three thieves brought on your ieerds
yourselves, if there's any cheating, yer
must have done it yourselves. Sambo,4
he added, rising to his ,full hight, ta£e
that thnr pile, boy, and travel, and
nary a spill, and the fust man that
teches yer 1*11 blow his brains out!"
In less time than it ta&es to tell it,
the active negro had cleaned the table
of more than thirty theusand dollars,
and disappeared in ^iAe's state-room.
The scene that followed beggars description. The Spectators were wild
with excitement, the gamblers raved,
stamped and swore they would have
revenge. Tike coolly maintained his
ground, menacing them with his six-
shooter; and as soon as he could maie
his voice heard he thundered out:
"S/ml&, ye thieves and counterfeiters,
afore I lets daylight through you. Yer
&now more'n half the money yer been
staging ar bogus! I inows yer if ye
don't me 1 You're gallus birds ! Yer
tuA me for a greenhorn, but yer got
hold of the Wrong customer ! You've
heerd of me, I knows! I'm no Joe
Pike, but Joe Blueskin, at yer service,
an' if yer wants anything more ye ean
have it 1"
This was the name of a notorious
Texan gambler, and on learning who
their redoubtable antagonist was, they
slun/t.away, muttering curses, not loud
but deep.
At the next landing the trio disappeared, leaving Mr. Joe Piie, of Andrew, alias Jo Blueskin, of Texas, a
clear field. He turned out to be quite
a good-natured fellow for one of his
desperate, profession—his rusticity of
dress and manner having been assumed to carry oufe his plan. He paid
for all the liquor the passengers chose
to drin£; and all the way up the river
the regular toast was, "The Wrong
I Customer.*'
A New York parer gravely pronounces this
I " a large world." Hit were fenced in.
Tim Nigglns After his Honeymoon
Seems to me things have changed
somewhat 1 Seems to me 'so—bust me
up if it don't? I've married near six
months now, and the fact is, .Susan
showed the least-bit irtoi'e temper than
I thought she had ; in fact to speak
the right down truth' she's knocked
things about generally for the last .-two
months) She's slung the cat through
the Window by the tail and Would have
thrown -me ont by the—by the heels if I
hadn't walked out on a fast run. Bale's
got cross as four sticks and says she'll
use half dozen sticks to my back if I
Idbn't quit smoking'in the house. And
she threatened to throw the boot-jacK
down my throat last night because I
spit in the fire. If she'd done that, I
suppose I'd have had the colic or boot-
jacx cramp.
" Timothy P. Niggins," says I to- my1
self, says I, " you've gone and done it,
and you have got to put up with the
consequences, you have, come what
WiU; you can't git out of it, you    cant,'
A girl loses her beauty mighty quicx
after she gets to be a Mrs. Susan Sunflower Was as pretty as a venus, but jest
as soon as I married her, her sxih turn*
ed yellow, her eyes lost her beauty, her
hair got thin, and she got to be just
the shape of an ale casx; she has by
jingo!
And oh ! what a temper she has got t
Never xnowed her mad before I married her ; never mowed her to offer to
throw the stove down anybody's throat;
no, never until she was Mrs. Niggins !
Aunt says she'll come all right after
awhile ;Jbut I don't see why she .can't
be all right now, I don't. If she- don't
improve soon, the Lord help me I
, ' Jist you spit in that fire again,' says
she to me yesterday ; 'jist do it again,
and I'll throw this s tici of wood down
yonr throat! What did I marry you
for? To run around after you and
maie np the fire after you spit it out ?
You tormenting beast! Did I marry
you to slave and wori for you while you
smoie and chaw and chaw and sino/'e,
and spit in the fire? There's them
chickens I had to feed, too; and there's
Ben Dykeis hog got in the garden and
dug up my seed beets, and you never
saw it! And you never see nothing
that you ought to see, and see everything you ought'nt to see I 1Jhere?s
Ann Buster who was over here yesterday !. I saw you win A* at her ! I- saw
you. * Tim Niggins! Don't say yott
didn't; I saw you—I saw you f
ALL SORTS OF PARAGRAPHS.
441 hope this hand is not counterfeit," said
a lover, as he Was toying with his sweetheart's n ngers. "The hest way to find out is
to ring it," was the neat reply.  ''
"Sal," said one girl to another, &C am so
glad I have no beau now !" "Why so," the
other asked. ''Oh, cause I can eat as many
onions as I please." '•'
The man lives most perfectljr whose 6oh»
stant happiness is found ln the consciousness
that in doing the best that he can for him-'
self he is also doing the best he can for every4
being that is capable of having good done to
it.
A WoNDEBEtri. Asimal.—A western paper
publishes the following notice: "Lost or
strade from the subscriber a sheep all over
white—one leg was black and half of his body
—all persons shall receive five dollars to
brnig him.   He was a she goat."
An exchange, in speaking of the magical
strains of a hand-organ, says: "When he
played 'Old Dog Tray,' we noticed eleven
purps sitting in* front of the machine on their
.haunches, brushing the tears from their eyes
with their fore-paws." :'
A young minister In a highly elaborate
sermon he preached, said several times,""the
commentators do not agree with me here.'*
The next morning a poor Woman came to see
him with something in -her apron. She- said
her husband had heard his sermon and
thought it very fine, and as he had said the
common taters did not agree with him, he
had sent some of his best kidneys.
We entirely agree with the argument of
Punch in favor of short dress skirts' Tttesf
give plain girls a chance. What nature has
denied the face she often gives to the understanding.
"I don't thlnk,2mdeedj that you are very
smart." '\N o, indeed, wife, but every body
knows that I am awfully shrewed.
A Chicago Judge has decided in Court that
young ladies of seventeen are too old to be
spanked.
Fahmbbs' "Wives.—If there Is a class Of wo«
men that should be held in re vereBce by evry
one,it is the wife ofthe farmer. They're worth
more to the world, than all the sniveling,
stuck up, affected class of females who consider it a disgrace to roll up their sieves and
plant their sacred ariiis in a wash-tub, who
have been produced -since the days of Eve.
It should be the height of a woman's ambition to qualliy herself for the wife of a far-1
mer.
There's our grandmother, says a cotempo"
rary, a striking instance why women should
vote. She's paid taxes on a dog for the last
ten years, and now declares she won't stand
it any longer, she'll either vote or kill the
dog!
A Memphis paper says that there are 20,000
starving negroes in that city giving in filth
and rags.
"Ah, Jemmy," said a sympathizing friend
to a man who was too late for the train,, "you
did not run fast enough." "Yes I did," said
Jemmy, "but I didn't start soon enough."
Economy.—The father of am interesting
family residing near Detroit not IpngsiiM-e
stopped the only newspaper which he had
ever allowed himself or family, and solely on
the ground that he could not afford the expense. This man chews up fourteen dollars
and sixty cents worth of tobacco every year.
A marriage is arranged between the Crow4"!
Prince of Holland and the eldest daughter of
the ex-King of Hanover.